The walk

I could peel the world away. Every step is not mine, every breath is borrowed time. Every blink – a shift. The wind howling behind my eyes, as the trees stand still in front; watching me pass by: branches twisted with tension resolved yet contained, dressed in new leaves and smells. The Oleander is staring: reaching down: it caresses my cheeks and walks away with my face. Everything is as still as the emptiness of a drum, echoing my breath, my blinking eyes, my tingling mind. My feet carry me onward, the trees come and go, thick and thin, fragrant, rooted in the Earth and the Sky. Not me. I glide through. Soon to be blown into pieces, scattered forever in the mosaic of this imagined fluke.
To my right is the neighborhood I live in, but a new street, a new feel, a place that is no longer. To my left is my mind, the landscape of my galloping thoughts, basking in the forbidden as wild horses ravage a virgin plane. I watch them flash by and away, the saddle by my feet, and my feet tripping. I look up into the smell of the clouds and wonder when I will awake, only to feel the stubborn reality of wakefulness. I look on and then down. The houses are passing me by as my soul roams in them. Families come and gone, fights started and won, love sparkling and long. I walk on and my soul roams around me, outside me: uncatchable, untamable, unimaginably strong, unquestionably real. Bigger then my body, bigger then my mind, bigger then I can contain. So I let her go and wonder what will become of me now, and when will she come back.


Lost and rediscovered

Talking to a shrink is like using condoms. You want to make sure that you protect yourself from your self by being aware and awake to your unsensored self. You want to know that all parts of you are insync. It’s also very much like gardeniing: you water you good parts, examine the garden, weed out the unnecessary, cultivate yourself and reap the fruits of your labor.
I recommend finding yourself a good shrink and going profilacticaly. It makes for a smoother existance. There are no obligations, no nees for inhibiting ur true self. It is a safe place to explore sides of you that you may not be comfortable sharing with your friends. It’s like climbing a mountain, most invigorating and energizing experience.
“Know thyself” this is one path towards that goal.
Humor me and try it, at least once! There really isn’ t anythng to loose, only wonderful fruit to harvest. Our daily life is filled with stress and bringing that stress home to loved ones can make life even more stressful. A shrink is a good person to bring our stressors to and unload our burdens.
Well, :), after this…. mild… digression, here’s the initial reason I started this blog.
It recently occured to me how I had lost… no, not lost, but neatly packed away most essential pieces of myself… I’m breaking my head to think of the exact moment I began the packing process… and it hasn’t come to me yet.. But the beauty of even simply realizing this, is that I have found a suitcase filled with me! In the past week my senses have awakened, my social skills have resurfaced… And I feel like I used to when I was 10.. filled with enthusiasm and few inhibitions. Somewhere on the road to adulthood I head beaten my 10 year old self down to this tiny sidekick that I eventually tucked away in the breast pocket and threq into the old clothes pile… How terrible that we are even able to do that… But it happens. Negative comments from iur environment stick with us like flies on honey. They get stapled onto our persona and amputate parts of us, little by little.
Thanks to the tender encouragement and freeing love of my caring boyfriend, the wise questions and observations of my councelor and carefuly observing the ‘how’ of people I respect, the missing puzzle pieces of me are back n their place.
Just a few weeks ago I had trouble relating to the people around me, tripped up by memories and past experiences. Until I fully experineced the truth that although our past experineces shape us, situations that trigger those familiar feelings shouldn’t be placed in the same box. Meaning, current experiwnces may trigger us because of past pain, but  it is up to us to recognize that this is now, and we are in control this time.
Who were you as a child? Are there elements of that you that you long for? Can you remeber what being that you felt like?
In moments of stuckness it is good to pause and examine why. If we find the people around us acting a certain way, it is very likely that we are projecting our own visions of us onto them. Or, we are taking on their issues that they so generously throw at us. Either way, the power to change the situation lay in our laps. Feel the earth beneath you. Ground your self and you will find your voice; the mecessary action will be obvius and natural. If only we reside in a mind of non judgement.

Truth, in balance

We all have a true person inside that once knew how to speak, guide us and be authentic. I say “once knew” because more often then not we learn how to silence that little truth speaker. In our path to normalizing our behavior within society, we learn to shut our truth up, silence it, or mute it down, or alter it. We learn how to take the “easy way” and how to avoid provoking discomfort.

In this process we dig ourselves deeper and deeper into a self that we recognize less and less. A found identity that suits society’s rules and structures but not us. An oppressed self that is far removed. A void forms between our heads and our hearts. The worse part about this void is not the void itself, but the fact that we learn to ignore it and accept it as our normal. What else is out there, right?

Right! Nothing else is out there! It’s all inside. I mean, it can all be found inside of yourself. That is where you lay. All of you!

When saying truth though, I don’t mean “an ultimate” “one and only” truth. Everyone has their own truth. A unique vision and experience of life. Just as I don’t want someone imposing their truth on me, I will not impose mine on others. And this is where staying open and authentic is the only way of remaining a considerate and empathetic being. Our truths cross paths, and without acceptance, it will be a violent collision. An unnecessary stress.

Live and let live!

Be your authentic self and let others be.

Remain an observer, engage without judgement.

Well, all that is wonderful, right?! Except that when reality strikes, when the driver in the other lane cuts you off, or when someone randomly swears at you… how do you remain calm, accepting and non-judgmental…

This will be a reflection to be explored in the next blog.

P.S. I apologize for misspellings. Making grammatical errors used to stop me from sharing in writing, because I believed that it all has to be perfect before coming out into the world for others to witness.. Well, I have realized that this goal is a debilitating one and in my case impossible to attain. And truth is never perfect, so it kind of works out that way :).